Fishing for Friends: Knowing Where and How to Cast Your Line

So many people tell me they're lonely. So many people have to start again with friendships in adulthood when they realize their past friend groups aren't exactly healthy. This is not an unusual need, and it can sometimes mark a beautiful re-boot in our lives! But just as quickly, my patients tell me that they feel hopeless to start again. They don't know how to make friends again, and feel awkward when they try. My advice? Think of going fishing. Making friends is a lot like fishing: you need the right bait, the right spot, and most of all, a clear sense of what you’re hoping to catch.

Too often, we throw ourselves into social situations expecting to find deep, meaningful connections—only to come up empty-handed or feel disappointed when the people we meet aren’t quite what we hoped for. But just like in fishing, success in friendship-building depends largely on knowing where you’re casting your line. If you're hoping for saltwater fish, you don't go to a freshwater pond. If you want sailfish, you don’t cast in a quiet little lake. This metaphor isn't about judging the “value” of different people—it’s about being intentional about the kind of energy, values, and depth you’re looking for. Think about what kinds of people you really enjoy being around: are they sporty, introverted, gamers, great conversationalists, busy moms, single dads?

If you're someone who craves thoughtful conversation and emotional depth, but you’re spending your time at loud parties or networking mixers where small talk rules, you might be fishing in the wrong waters. On the other hand, if you’re seeking easygoing, spontaneous companionship and you keep showing up at silent meditation retreats hoping to bond, you might need to try another shoreline. The idea isn’t to force a different version of yourself to fit into the environment—it’s to match your setting with what you're looking for. Think about where people with similar values, curiosities, or lifestyles gather. If you’re a creative soul, maybe it’s an art class or a writing group. If you love helping others, maybe it’s volunteering or community work. The key is to align the where with the who you’re hoping to connect with.

Just like in fishing, sometimes you catch something that isn’t quite right for you—and that’s okay. Throwing a fish back isn’t cruel; it’s respectful (maybe unhook that fish and let it slip gently back into the water rather than ripping the hook out and chucking it out in the lake). This process acknowledges that not every catch is meant to be kept...at least not for you. In friendship and relationships, the same principle applies. When you meet someone who isn’t a good fit—whose values, energy, or communication style just doesn’t mesh with yours—it’s not unkind to let them go with warmth and honesty. You don’t have to force connection out of guilt or fear of being rude. Saying, “I don’t think we’re quite what each other needs right now” is the emotional equivalent of gently returning a fish to the water: compassionate, clear, and honoring the dignity of both people. Holding onto the wrong connections only fills your boat with stress and prevents you from being open when the right ones come along. Letting go with kindness is not rejection—it’s alignment.

And just like fishing, finding good friends takes patience. You might show up to the right places and still not catch anything right away. That doesn’t mean it’s hopeless—it means you’re doing the slow, worthy work of building relationships, not scooping them up off a shelf. Sometimes, you’ll catch something unexpected—someone different from what you thought you were looking for but wonderful in a surprising way. Other times, you’ll realize you’ve been throwing back “keepers” because you weren’t ready to recognize their value. Friendship isn’t just about the finding—it’s about the noticing, the nurturing, and the mutual choosing.

So if you’ve been feeling lonely or discouraged, don’t blame your bait (or assume you’re not likable). Ask instead: Where am I fishing? Who am I hoping to find? And am I giving this process the time and care it deserves? When you fish with honesty, intention, and a little strategy, you're far more likely to find the friends who feel like home.