Motivation and Emotions: The Surprising Disconnect (and Why It’s Okay)

My neighbor is jogging...again. Her ponytail bounces around while she listens to music on her earbuds, starting her day off with a sickening amount of productive self-care. Meanwhile, I sit on a comfy, oversized chair and sip my coffee, a cat on my lap, scrolling through my phone. I frown at her as she turns the corner of our neighborhood, then look down at my phone again. But my peaceful, self-indulgent mood has been broken. Not by her, but by my own thoughts. I should really get up and do that every morning…I’ve been meaning to, I’ve been talking about it for months now. But here I sit…unmotivated.

Motivation is one of those tricky things that we all struggle with at some point. Whether it's getting out of bed in the morning, tackling that long-overdue work project, or hitting the gym, motivation can feel like an elusive force that we just can’t seem to tap into when we need it the most. As an emotions-focused therapist, I spend a lot of time encouraging people to pay attention to their feelings, understand them, and honor them. But when it comes to motivation, this is one of those rare times when I actually get to say, "It doesn't matter how you feel."

Now, I know that might sound a little contradictory coming from someone who believes so strongly in the power of emotions. But here’s the thing: while emotions do play a huge role in shaping our actions, they’re not always reliable guides for motivation. In fact, sometimes your emotions will tell you to stay right where you are and not do anything at all. That’s where motivation diverges from emotions and becomes more about how you choose to act, even when you don’t feel like it.

  The Link Between Motivation and Emotions

Before we get into why emotions aren’t always the key to motivation, let’s talk about where they do overlap. Emotions can be powerful motivators. Think about it: when you’re excited about something, motivation comes easily. That burst of energy you get when you're starting a new hobby, or when you’re planning a trip, is tied directly to the positive emotions of anticipation and joy. On the flip side, fear can motivate you to act quickly—like when you’re running late for work or trying to meet a deadline.

Emotions give us a reason to do things. If we feel passionate, angry, joyful, or even afraid, we’re more likely to jump into action. But what happens when the emotion just isn’t there? What if you’re trying to motivate yourself to do something that doesn’t come with a natural emotional boost? That’s when emotions can become less helpful, and relying on them to get things done can leave you feeling stuck.

  When Motivation Isn’t About How You Feel

Here’s the reality: a lot of the time, you’re going to have to do things that you really don’t feel like doing. Maybe you don’t feel like going to work today because you're stressed out and tired. Or maybe you don’t feel like going to the gym because your body feels sluggish. The problem is, if we only acted when we felt like it, we’d probably never get anything done.

This is where motivation becomes more about choice and values rather than emotion. You don’t have to feel motivated to do something—you have to decide to do it. Motivation, in this sense, becomes an act of willpower. It’s about pushing past those “I don’t feel like it” moments and getting started anyway.

One of the best ways to do this is to talk yourself into doing the thing you’re avoiding. This doesn’t mean ignoring how you feel or pretending those feelings don’t exist. It means acknowledging them without letting them dictate your actions. For example, you might say to yourself, “I really don’t feel like going to the gym today, but I know I’ll feel better afterward.” Or, “I’m tired and don’t want to work on this project, but getting started is always the hardest part. Once I begin, it’ll get easier.”

This kind of self-talk is powerful because it allows you to honor how you feel while also committing to action. It also helps focus on how you will feel. You can only access feelings of satisfaction and pride when you do something that’s difficult or that you honestly don’t feel jazzed to start doing.  You’re not forcing yourself to be excited about doing something hard—you’re simply choosing to do it despite the discomfort. And here’s the kicker: once you start, motivation often follows.

  Motivation Follows Action

One of the biggest misconceptions about motivation is that it’s something you need to find before you can act. In reality, motivation often comes after you’ve started. It’s that “just get started” mentality. The hardest part is always getting over the hump of resistance, but once you do, the momentum builds and it starts to feel better…it starts to feel natural.

Take, for example, cleaning your house. You might dread it and put it off all day because you’re just not motivated. But the second you start folding the laundry or wiping down the counters, something shifts. You start to feel a little more energized, and before you know it, you’re in the zone and the task doesn’t seem nearly as overwhelming.

The same thing happens with exercise, work tasks, or even socializing. The “Zone” or “Flow” everyone talks about is simply the resistance going away, leaking out, and being replaced by tolerance. Not even enjoyment, but tolerance of your mild discomfort and lazy thoughts. That’s it! Motivation builds as you go, not necessarily before you begin. So instead of waiting around for the right mood to strike, it’s more effective to just start and trust that the motivation will catch up with you.

  Letting Go of Unhelpful Thoughts and Feelings

That said, there will be days when no amount of starting or pushing through makes the task feel any easier. On those days, it’s important to let go of the idea that you need to be perfectly motivated to get things done. It’s also crucial to let go of unhelpful thoughts that might be holding you back.

For example, maybe you’re telling yourself, “I’m just not the kind of person who can stick with things,” or “If I don’t feel like it, there’s no point in doing it.” These kinds of thoughts can create a mental block that makes it even harder to get moving. Instead of buying into these thoughts, try to reframe them. You might say, “Even though I don’t feel motivated right now, I can still take one small step,” or “Just because I don’t feel like doing it doesn’t mean I can’t get it done.”

It’s also important to recognize when emotions are trying to hold you back in ways that aren’t helpful. Maybe you feel anxious about starting a new project because you’re afraid of failing. Or maybe you feel sad and that makes it hard to focus. While these emotions are valid and worth exploring, they don’t have to stop you from moving forward. You can acknowledge them, process them, and still choose to take action.

  Not Invalidating Your Emotions

Now, when I say that emotions don’t always matter when it comes to motivation, I don’t mean you should ignore or invalidate them. Your emotions are important—they’re signals that something is going on inside you. However, they’re not always the best guide for making decisions about immediate action.

If you’re feeling anxious, tired, or unmotivated, it’s okay to acknowledge that. You might say to yourself, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, and that’s why I’m struggling to get started.” Giving yourself permission to feel those emotions without letting them dictate your actions can be incredibly freeing.

Instead of pushing your emotions aside or devaluing them, you can be aware of them while still moving forward. It’s possible to feel unmotivated and take action at the same time. It’s possible to feel anxious and still get the job done. It’s possible to feel tired and still show up. Your emotions don’t have to be the enemy of your productivity—they just don’t need to be the driver, either.

  Building New Habits Around Motivation

If you’re someone who struggles with motivation, one of the best things you can do is build habits that take emotion out of the equation. For example, if you have a hard time getting to the gym, make it a habit to go at the same time every day. Don’t wait until you “feel like it”—just make it part of your routine. The more you build habits, the less you have to rely on motivation.

This applies to work, self-care, and even relationships. Creating routines and habits helps you get through the tough days when you’re not feeling particularly motivated. And over time, you’ll find that these actions become automatic, so you don’t need to constantly rely on willpower or emotional energy to keep going.

  Final Thoughts: Motivation Is About Choice and Values, Not Feelings

At the end of the day, motivation isn’t always about feeling fired up or ready to take on the world. Sometimes, it’s just about choosing to act, even when you don’t feel like it. Emotions are important, but they’re not the only thing driving motivation. In fact, some of the most important things we do in life happen when we’re not feeling motivated at all. Focus instead on why your actions are important to you. Focus on how you’ll feel afterward. My bet is that if you actually get those sneakers on and walk out into the cold morning air, you’ll start to feel proud of yourself before you’re even halfway down the street.