The Doorman: Setting Standards and Boundaries

Selena and her date edge up a couple more steps toward the club. They've been waiting in line for only a few minutes, but already Selena feels terribly nervous. She spent hours getting ready, picking out the perfect cocktail dress, perfecting her makeup, and spraying on the expensive perfume she only uses for important nights out. Kyle, on the other hand, seems to have thrown on the first thing he found. It's their third date, and Selena had honestly expected a little more effort on his part. 

As they get closer to the velvet rope and the serious-eyed doorman, she prepares for the worst…and she isn’t disappointed. The sleek couple ahead of them slips through the glass doors, and the doorman looks disdainfully over Kyle’s red t-shirt and jeans. He gives Selena a once-over too, then jerks his head to the door saying “You can go in, honey, but you gotta leave the dude out here. He ain’t dressed for it tonight.”

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Have you ever thought of standards and boundaries in your life as the ultimate bouncer, like a doorman and security workers at an exclusive club? Just imagine the atmosphere this club - your life - is trying to establish. Picture yourself as the owner, deciding who gets in based on how they dress (metaphorically speaking) and contribute to the feel and goals you've set for yourself. As the owner, you have spent hours…days…years picturing how amazing this club could be. And the last thing you want is to let in problems, or to be unprepared for when problems might arise in the club.

Setting Basic Standards

Now, let's dive into this concept a bit deeper. Think of your standards and boundaries as the velvet rope outside a hip downtown club. You're the one in charge of who crosses that rope and enters your space. The doorman, your guide in this scenario, ensures that only those who align with your atmosphere get the privilege of being allowed into your place.

Every club has its unique vibe - some demand sophistication and elegance, while others thrive on energy and excitement, still others want a casual homey feel. Similarly, in life, your standards and boundaries define the atmosphere you wish to maintain. Think for a moment about what you really want or need your life to be about. These are the standards you need other people to meet as well. Do you value honesty, kindness, sophistication, adventure, openness, old-world values? Whatever your values are, these are the “dress codes” you set for those who want to be a part of your world.

It's true that many people won’t meet these standards. And that’s okay! This is actually part of finding a sense of belonging. Honestly, we don’t all really belong in every single atmosphere, and frankly we shouldn’t want to. While it’s nice to be able to be a bit of a chameleon, when it comes to inviting someone into our lives, we need to be selective. This invitation comes with the knowledge that you’ll be more exposed and vulnerable to this person. That they will be invited to impact your life. So, let’s be choosy.

The Power of Saying No

"Sorry, not tonight," says the doorman to the casually dressed passerby trying to sneak into the upscale venue. Likewise, in life, saying no to things that don't align with your values is not only acceptable but essential. It's about curating your experiences and interactions, ensuring that each person and opportunity adds value to your life. You are not obligated to please everyone or accommodate everything that comes your way. Make your club exclusive, make it special, and revel in the validation that comes from honoring your values.

If you have difficulty saying no to people, or just aren’t sure what words to use, come up with a script and practice. Take a look at people around you- even kind characters on TV shows or movies- who are great at saying know. Copy the heck out of them, and use them as the role models they are.

Emotional Signals

You might want to notice how you feel when certain people are around you. If you feel connected, interested, re-charged, relaxed, and proud when you’re around certain friends then you are on the right track. If, on the other hand, you feel nervous, irritated, or embarrassed by the people you hang out with, it’s time to re-evaluate who you’ve let in. Our emotional signals are there to let us gain insight into how well we’re doing at creating the life we want. They’re there to let us know how well certain people align with that goal too.